I’ve allowed a lot of pain in my life. So, much so, I had become tolerant of it. When I think about 2020, Covid 19, is nowhere near the main topic. It’s a moment in history that I am currently surviving and living in. The most impactful moments, are moments like this, when I get to bare my soul on paper. Silence is not growth. Speaking your truth and being one with it, is the answer to everything. I want to be free to live without doubt, therefore, it’s a must I learn to trust myself. – Denise
I’m a woman who loves freely. I’ve always been that way. I’ve always been a bit silly, super sassy and the life of the party since I can remember. I enjoyed receiving accolades from school and making my parents proud. Success, in my mind, was always in my future because I wanted it. Somewhere in my teens I lost that. To be honest, highschool wasn’t my favorite times. When I think back on it, I was still hurting from that initial impact of my Mom’s affair. I lost so much of myself and I never had the opportunity to talk about it. I remember being extremely confused. Our relationship changed so much. It went from being Mommy’s little girl to the teenager trying figuring it out on her own. I was so used to being the girl my Mom loved, I thought I had to be a different person without her. I lived with this torment up until she passed. In her passing, she has given me such clarity.
I’m still grieving as the traumatized 9 year old and the 32 year old Mom, in a broken marriage, going through postpartum, who’d just lost her Queen. No matter the time that has past, I’m still hurting. There are times when my grief gets the best of me. Which I found to cause most of my triggers. It’s been a constant battle trying to identify them and pay attention to my behaviors. They are triggers surrounded by emotional relationships and my Mom. Today, I reflected on a few past relationships that has caused me to realize, I’m still in a lot of pain. I haven’t released that abandonment feeling. Nor, have I removed the echoes of verbal abuse from the men I’ve allowed in my life. I’m constantly feeling neglected and I’ve grown to understand my power in changing that.
Each day is a new day. Today, I woke up happy but I kept speaking negativity. I continued to stay busy until I began to feel pressure on my shoulders. I was feeling the physical weight of the negativity I chose to speak. I started to wonder if I were a reflection of the men I’ve dated. I’m always elated to receive confirmation of growth. I can’t expect a different outcome if I can’t make the decision to change. Boundaries have been a game changer for me. I’m a Pisces, when I’m sold on something, I’m solid. Creating boundaries within all my relationships is key to my own personal happiness. I no longer accept relationships where I am not nurtured and loved. I will no longer accept relationships that speak down on me as a woman or for being black woman. Yes, it’s important I call out being a black woman specifically. I’ve had men tell me, I’m the reason they don’t date black women. I’ve been called weak, dumb, scum, bitch, whore, you name it. Each time, my being a black woman was mentioned. Food for thought and more to discuss on my upcoming podcast…