This morning I began to question an illness I’ve thought to have been living with for 15 years. I know that first sentence sounds crazy. But, hear me out. Through this journey, I’ve challenged myself to push the possibilities. It’s hard for us to see anything we deem negative within ourselves. But, in order to continuously evolve, you must be willing to see the truth. I have always had health issues with my immune system since elementary. I remember getting in trouble at School for asking to go to the bathroom too much. The issue wasn’t taken seriously until I became an adult and began suffering from constant UTI’s, kidney infections, hair loss, joint pains, weak nails and skin lesions.
I remember going to the doctor and being asked about my family history with Lupus and what my current treatment was. Several test were ran and several issues were found. I was told my condition was similar to those of Lupus and was treated as such. When I followed up with my Doctor, I was feeling better and the treatment seemed to be working. She educated me on Lupus and we both agreed to keep me on the treatment path. As time went on, I would have the occasional flare up of the same symptoms and would be treated as such. About a year ago, I received my medical records from my Doctor as her practice was closing. I recently ran across them and began to educate myself on my health history. What I found in those documents would ultimately peel back the layers of me I didn’t know existed.
Everything leads back to my childhood. It leads back to the conversations I never allowed myself to have and the generational conundrum, we don’t talk about our feelings. To make matters worse, most of the time, we don’t talk about our feelings because we are more concerned about the receiving party’s ear than or own healing. It’s a behavior silently taught to each generation. Which is also probably why some of my closest family and friends don’t understand this blog. They see it as exposure, I see it as release and relief. I see it as a breakthrough to healing and vulnerability. I’m breaking through my family’s generations of held up pain and freeing my kids from the added weight.
It’s been about a year since I’ve had my last physical. It was the first time, nothing was found. I was 100% healthy and I felt like it. It wasn’t until a month after I quit my corporate job I started to feel familiar symptoms. It’s been extremely stressful launching a new business, taking classes and networking, not having a consistent income and learning to live on a budget. Understanding the severity of how sick I had gotten in the past was what ultimately made me look further into my health history. I’m getting older and it’s time to utilize my existence responsibly. I want to live a happier and mentally healthy life. After going through my medical documents, I found I was never officially diagnosed with Lupus. In fact, it appeared I had took the initial conversations with my Doctor and ran with the idea. Although, I suffered similar symptoms, the one common denominator in all of the doctors notes was stress.
There was a time when I fell ill as a child. For some reason, this moment always stuck with me. It was the one time, after my Mom left my Dad, I felt reconnected with her. I was so sick, I was bedridden and she nursed me back to health. I remember her giving me all her love and attention. For those few days of sickness, I had her back. I started to think back on the times when I would get sick in my adult life. I thought about how my hair would fall out and I’d endure body aches. Could it had possibly been from not eating and malnutrition? Or, how I’d have lesions and scars on my face and body? Could it have been from stress picking? I started to expand my mind to all the possibilities. In those times, I felt alone and abandoned. I felt overwhelmed and sometimes scared. All of which, caused me to stress.
I’m not a physcologist. Though, I’m highly considering seeing one after this revelation. I always meditate before I officially post anything. It’s my way of being intentional with my words. Almost like a seal of approval from God. There is so much power in our words. Especially, the words we speak to ourselves. I had lived 15 years of my life speaking illness into myself, thru stress. To take it further, I believe I liked it there. I’m grateful for the healing process because without it I don’t know where I’d be. One thing I do know is, I will speak life into myself and when times fall hard, I will find comfort in my words. To be continued…