Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Denise LaShae Thompson. I’m 36 years old, divorced, Mother of 2. I was born and raised in Long Beach, California by both my parents, for most of my childhood. I graduated early from High School, went to College and within my first 2 years found it wasn’t for me. I got my first Corporate job at 18 and worked my way up the totem pole to become a Savage. I worked hard, was reliable and could get any job done. I was considered an asset and thrived effortlessly. The Corporate life was a great benefactor to my providing for my family but it was never enough to fill my cup of life. So, I left. I had endured enough yearly reviews by someone who determined what they thought my capabilities were worth. I was done juggling for others and was ready to balance out my own life.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve expressed myself through writing. It was my own personal way of dealing with my shit. Somewhere down the line, I stopped writing. I remember the key reason being my words terrified me. Plus, my needs were no longer my top priority. I had gotten married and had extended my family of 2, myself and my daughter, into 4, my ex and his daughter, and then into 5, with having my son. All of this within two years. Shortly after having my son, I started experiencing postpartum. It wasn’t long after, the high anxiety kicked in and was followed by depression, when I found out my Mother passed away.
The loss of my Mother was life altering for me. I spent most of my life trying to match her shine. Losing her left me with no purpose. I had arms full of problems and the juggler of all magic tricks, had no idea who she was without an illusion. I was lost. It took a little over a year for me to accept the things that were happening in my life. I had made so many life decisions for status and approval that I didn’t know my own wants and needs. I felt as if I were a baby again and had no idea what to do with myself.
The first decision I made on my own was to leave my marriage. It was the first decision I did not seek approval for. For far too long, I had given myself permission only to exist in the shadows of others. I had no idea who I was as a person to make these life decisions. How could I love someone else, when I couldn’t exist without attaching myself to another person? This decision was what ultimately saved my life from destruction. I had finally given myself the approval to stand alone.
This blog is about paving my own way. It’s the journey of standing alone and embracing myself enough to no longer fear my words on paper. To no longer take on relationships that aren’t serving of who I am and to be free to love and accept love. It’s a start to transparency in my own home, so that my kids are confident enough to be themselves. It’s a journey of showing myself enough compassion to accept the things I cannot change in my life and work on the things I can. Most of all, it’s a journey to self love.